Don't think im stupid :P

Okay so answering small as a panda's question.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for only four months now. I know that sounds like im jumping ahead but she is the only person who understands what is going through my head and the only person who has ever told me she loves me and meant it. We have talked about names of kids if we had them, what our marriage would be like, she even made a joke proposal that I know she wished was real (when she learned that gay marriage was reckognised in Tasmania). The only thing I said to her when she joked around was that we were too young. In about 8 months we will both be 18 which is definately not too young. I go by the motto of not wasting a day, especially since I have a very weak heart. So yes, hopefully all goes well :)

I apologise for rambling on.

Cooking fail... again xD

First off I want to say thanks to Toomi for commenting :) Im reading your blog now and will follow it when I go back to my dashboard.

Okay now to the cooking fail. I didn't cook the first egg long enough so I decided to just throw the whole thing into the water. Err no Cassy you have done that before and it fails. So yeah I have all the little bits of egg I managed to scavenge in my bowl.

Then I thought what if I put a full egg in the water (cracking it open and dropping it in). Hello boiling water on forearms and a half cooked egg.

Then my next genious idea was to put the mess in the microwave. Needless to say the eggs blew up and now my bowl has bits of egg in it but they look worse than before. They are edible atleast.

I cleaned the microwave and here I am trying to choke down disgusting eggs. When I cook the last egg for tonight I will boil it properly >.>

Also I need to add

-78 cal -6.3g protein -5.3g fat -0.6g carbs -0g Fibre to my total which is now...

Cal: 366 Protein: 28.75g Fat: 17g Carbs: 13.1g Fibre: 10.8g

Still under 400 which is good. I realised I can't go under 200 calories yet. Need to get to a lower weight...

Holy Shit it's the 1st of December

Time really escapes you when you don't sleep at night and sleep during the day. I can't sleep at night it sucks. I either stay up untill the sun comes up then sleep or pass out from exhaustion. Then oversleep...

Great cycle I have going on.

Today my intake so far is:

iceblock -40

I plan on eating only veggies when I get hungry so

broccoli -50

broad beans -16 cal each.

Shame broad beans are so high calorie. They actually taste good cooked.

Lunch I am having:

1 egg -78 (I researched it and its actually 78 for a large egg)

For dinner I will have

Broccoli -52 (I researched this aswell and its another 2 calories higher than I thought O.o)

5 broad beans -80

1 egg -78

Totals: Cal: 288 Protein: 22.45g Fat: 11.7g Carbs: 12.5g Fibre: 10.8g

Tomorrow I might just mung out on broad beans. High protein and fibre, low fat but also high carbs but it's hard to do the whole low carb thing if you don't eat meat since meat has virtually no carbs >.>

I need to start eating 20g dietry fibre a day again. My errr organs arent working as per usual lets just say.

Plus I have been looking at my skin and it is terribly dry. It's horrible.

HURRY UP MULTI-VITAMINS!!!

And last note: If you have a blog and have followed mine can you comment if I haven't joined it? It's hard to sift through everyone to find new followers with blogs. :)

And 16 followers which is amazing :)

Im also not eating junk because pot may be involved in the future and alchohol may be aswell. Hello munchies and soft drink xD I need to keep the junk away till the binging >.>

Which i won't care about untill I put on weight because I will be off my face...

Not ED related

I realised I hold onto labels and use them furiously against myself so I don't slip away from my small grip on reality. I have been told  that I have a problem distinguishing reality from imagination and that would make alot of sense. Alot of sense.

Just a thought I wanted to write down before I forget. I figured out the root of my eating disorder a few days ago but didn't write it down so I forgot. Now im left wondering.

Minor Freak out...

So I weighed at 3am this morning and was a whopping 47.1kgs. I very nearly cried. How that happened I have no idea. So I went to sleep and stayed in bed till 1:20pm. I am 46.8kg's now. Thank god... I might just chill in bed more often.

But, today I have to find a diet plan I can follow daily, it doesn't have to change because I will be exercising. I have to re-clean my room because I caused an avalanche of perfectly stacked books yesterday :( .

I have to exercise off my guilt for gaining. And fear...

I have to cut my hair because it's getting long.

I have to write a list of the presents I need to get people.

There's a decent amount to do. If I can get away with not eating dinner then I will do that too. Im supposed to be 46kg by today according to my goals... Ergh.. Fail. It's alright, in the next five days I will lose two kilograms instead of one. Looks like im going to the treadmill for some serious exercise.

@Anna -Yes I absolutely hate people touching or going into my room. They think I have something wrong with me when I tell them they have to ask to go in or see it but it just freaks me out for many reasons and makes me paranoid for the next week. My room is the only place I feel safe in the world.

Hmm I wonder if I can burn 700-800 cals today. Then I will have a 2000cal deficit. :) I wish it was higher so that it was easier to lose weight xD

@ EndlessAutumn -I posted my idea in the general discussions forum but no one did it. O.o But you just look at threads like how to I purge or stupid things like that and they are usual threads with prank exercises inside. :) I could start putting exercises at the bottom of my posts if you want? XD

Dinner and comment reply :)

So im eating dinner ten minutes early. I was meant to eat it at 5 but I started at 4:50pm cause it cooked quicker than I thought. It's good.

Today went amazingly! No cravings for other foods and the only hunger I got was very small. I don't like hunger but I don't like eating so much more.Yet I need to eat to live >.>

I haven't figured out my plan for tomorrow. Since we ran out of eggs... Time to google protein and organise my foods page a bit. Into categories I think.

There's still treadmill to go after my cup of tea XD

I should have some calcium tomorrow.

I wonder when the multi-vitamins will get here...

Plus im running out of tobacco so I wont be smoking much longer. I can't afford it and I really really want to break the addiction. Hello fitness?

@anna - aww that really sucks, special edition glasses and cups are the best! Oh wow I tend to re-wash them with detergent or after I dry them and dont think they are clean then I wash them again. My mother isn't very happy with the amount of laundry detergent we go through xD And I got my BMR off tis program I downloaded called weight by date pro trial. A site for your BMR is http://www.mydr.com.au/tools/basal-energy-calculator you put your details in in metric but it tells you the calories. This one says its 1319 cal for me. Either way im not eating anywhere near that much so im fine xD

Exercise

Thanks to PT I have done a grand total of:

160 jumping jacks (16)

Jogging on the spot for 4 minutes (32)

20 pushups (2)

10 crunches (1)

Cal total: 51

Without PT I wouldn't have done these and would have been a major lazy ass. I love the suprise exercise threads :)

If I get another one I will update the list lol. With aproximates for calories burnt.

Still gotta do treadmill later tonight. Aiming for a grand total of 300 calories burnt a day.

Well this is going well.

I ate the egg, by itself, for breakfast. It is now 1:48 and I forgot to have lunch. Which is a change. Im going to boil the rice now. I mean wow... I usually can't stop thinking about when I can eat next. It's a good change.

By tomorrow we will have run out of eggs though. Need to research more sources of protein.

Quick day plan post

Breakfast: 1 egg (80) boiled

Lunch: 1/2 cup brown rice with sweet chilli sauce (155.5)

Snack: 2 rice cakes (47) with promite (3)

Dinner: 6 stalk broccoli (100) 1 egg boiled (80) Green tea (3)

Total: 468.5 Cal

Thats the plan for today along with walking, sleeping, showering and smoking. I will update later on how it goes.

Will also reply to comments after I have slept so my brain is actually working. :)

Ideas

Im stumped. I can't think of what im going to have for dinner tonight.

An egg -80

3 stalk broccoli -50(my food page is wrong, a stalk of broccoli is like 12 cal each)

2 stalk asparagus -8

Total: 138

or

soup -50

1 slice wholemeal bread -153.5

Total: 203.5

or

1/2 cup brown rice -135.5

sweet chilli sauce -20?

Total -155.5

Im considering going with the rice and sauce. Actually no the soup and bread... will be a treat.

 

Im going to have a little bit of porridge now aswell so I don't get too hungry and forget what im supposed to be eating. That would be horrible considering im back down to the lowest this month. Sadly 46.6kg is the lowest I have reached this month. This time last year I was almost 40kg. Blehh

EDIT: I am having the soup and bread (203.5) plus porridge now (200) so today is under 500 cal. I can't go over 500 cal ever.

Going down

So it's down to 46.6kg. Not as little as I would like but I haven't eaten yet and don't plan to eat very much. Im also planning on cleaning... alot. It's actually good exercise. So I calculated it and 385 calories from two hours cleaning plus making my bed and taking out the trash. Awesome.

Plus it says my basal metabolic rate is 1207 calories. Blehh.

Not much to comment on today, I will try post later if I have eaten anything. If not then I shall post tomorrow. :)

And thank you anna, a square glass sounds amazing actually. Did you get another one?

I hate breaking glass's

Ever since I was a kid I have had this fear of dropping or tipping glass's incase they smash. I just smashed one on my floor, full of juice I was very muchly looking foreward too. I want to cry. I need to grow up...

It was a coca-cola glass that my mother loved so im going to buy her a really awesome new glass and give it to her for christmas and fill it with all her favorite lollies along with an apology note. I feel really really bad.

And really really devistated about the juice.

I am going to weigh myself once I finish drying my floor. Weighing myself is so over-due. i have been scared. I know I have put on weight.

Okay so im 46.8kg (102.9lbs). Amazingly. There is a silver lining. Im not 47kg. Thank god... By Monday I will be under 100 lbs.

Im going to find my "plan" book and write down what im getting mum and the rest of the chrissie presents I have to get.

I hope you are all doing great. I would love to hear more from you guys :)

And welcome to my 8th follower!

:)

I took the longer walk home today. I needed the exercise and I burnt extra calories. I also got a small bottle of yoosh green tea drink (725kj) and yoosh lychee flavour aloe vera drink (1080kj) plus jelly cups with are 20 cal each. Now if I need a low cal sugar hit hello jelly cups. If you want to know to calories of the drinks google a calculator. I might put a page of links up if I can be bothered.

I went well today so I shall post again before my last day of college tomorrow and tell you my weight. Fingers crossed its lower. If not im going to need to get off my fat lazy ass and exercise.

I also have an anorexic male friend (he doesn't know im anorexic cause im sneaky) and he has lost ten kilo's in a very small amount of time. Hypocritical but im worried about him, he was doing so well in recovery. He keeps saying he has been eating well and not exercising but you don't loose that much weight without doing SOMETHING.

Okay end of post. Hope you are all well. Feel free to comment and tell me how your days have been I shall try to remember to reply to them in my next post if you do :)

EDIT: I just had an idea of making a food porn page. Gor those who dont know what that is it is pretty much a page full of pictures of amazingly good looking food that I can't eat lmao.

EDIT 2: Plus on a sad note I wont be up here for me and my girlfriends 6 month anniversary. I will be in victoria :( It's not good. I shall make her a cake for the 7 month anniversary instead. Im also thinking of proposing to her the month after she turns 18. Maybe. You might think im rushing it but I have never been in a relationship like the one I have with her before. I know she want's to get married and I know she wants me and her to somehow have kids. Gah stop rambling Cassy you love sick puppy!

46.6kg

Somehow I lost weight. Only 100g since I last weighed myself. Too slow but getting there I guess...

Im not up for eating today. Im going to bring a water bottle or two and just chill out till I can go to town and get my sisters christmas present. Booky wook 2. I hope thats the right spelling, knowing me it isnt. I know what it looks like and where to get it so im fine.

Now my planning for the day... I wrote this day down in my two week plan soo...

Intake

 Breakfast: Porridge (50) with milk (151.5) and brown sugar (100)

Lunch: Water

Dinner: soup (50)

Drink: tea (3)

Total: 354.5

 (A hell of alot in other words... blehh)

Outtake

Walk around town and college (50) Im under-estimating.

Will update later (after college) when my brain is working better and my fingers actually let me type properly. This post took way too long for its size.

5 followers

I wasn't going to post because im in a really depressed mood but then I saw the five followers. If someone wants to read my blog them im going to make a post for them.

I ate a huge bowl of nutri-grain this morning in an attempt to ... i don't know what I was trying to do... but it was stupid... whatever it was.

I weighed myself after eating it and it was 47.2kg . The bowl was huge so im still in the 46kgs easy.

I had so many smokes last night it wasn't funny.

Realised my dog phobia is going away slowly.

Not much else to comment on...

Big thank you to Kessia for your comments. They brighten my mood regardless :)

And a welcome to the followers I have said welcome too xD

Im a bit rude at the moment, apologies.

Hope you are all having amazing days.

Well... that went well?

I spent the entire walk sweating like a pig. Turns out it was 8 kilometres of steep uphills and downhills.

When I got back there was a table of fruit so I had a banana because you are supposed to eat protein after you exercise otherwise your body uses your muscles for energy. It was HUGE, it was a collosal banana. I had to eat it all (thanks mum) and it was extremely painful to fit it into my stomach. Poor stomach.

When I got home I stayed up for maybe half an hour, which involved being made to drink a very high calorie drink and eat a jam doughnut. I freaked, I was all like oh no im going to be 47kg tomorrow. Guess what? Im not. Applaud. Im still in the 46kg range but only just. Im 46.9kg. I now need to wait till 7am to weigh myself again because I probably would have lose more.

Okay, back to the topic. I passed out for ten hours. Woke up about twenty minutes ago. When I woke up I was sweating. Guess who left their heater on? Yepp, this smart one. Then I looked at my phone and my gf was freaking out because she thought I had gone and done something stupid (bad past history of doing stupid things).

I hope that made sense? My mind isn't working very well.

Tomorrow I will be getting back on track. Im too big. I need to be 40kg. My low weight but it should be my healthy weight it really should.

Another thank you to everyone else that followed me! Im following your blogs if you have one. If I missed you somehow just leave me a comment and I will be following before you know it. :)

Stay well and strong.

x

Only 48 minutes to go

48 minutes till I can weigh myself.

Im so tired from no sleep but I deserve it.

It's cloudy today aswell. I bet you it will rain on my charity walk today.

Watching supersize vs superskinny was a great time waster though. Look it up on youtube it is amazing.

Im looking foreward to that porridge so much right now.

Just a quick update. Will be another few before I leave for the walk most likely.

:)

And a huge thank you to Kessia for following my blog.

Oh my god

Because I am an idiot I forgot to tell you that my total calories should be 450.

400 for the porridge and 50 for the soup I am having for dinner.

Actually add another 10 for the coffee. Who know's how much of that I am going to drink tomorrow.

So 460 calories in total tomorrow.

I will burn off about 100 calories (under-estimate) so its a total of 360 net calories for the day.

God that's alot... I have to lose weight quicker so I earn the priveledge to restrict more.

According to my thoughts I don't deserve it yet.

1:13am. Are we seeing a pattern?

My weight is still in the 46kg range, even after eating all that food. It was way too much. I had to otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk today. Before I didn't want to walk but now I want to burn more calories.

I am having a 400 calorie bowl of porridge tomorrow before I walk. I raised my limit to 500 calories a day so I can limit it more as my weight gets lower.

Im thinking at 44kg I will go down to 450 calories a day.

42kg will be 400 calories a day.

40kg will be 350 calories a day.

38kg will be 300 calories a day.

36kg will be 250 calories a day.

Of course these are the maximums I can have so this doesn't mean I will hit them.

Okay a revision on my plan for tomorrow.

7am - wake up (get up since im not going to sleep) Weigh self

8am - eat porridge and have shower and style hair

9am - have black coffee and update blog

10am - find something to occupy myself for next hour

10:45am - leave for charity walk

2pm - get home (im assuming, could be later)

waste time from now onwards

7pm - have bowl of soup

8pm - weigh self and get everything ready for school

Go to bed

Actually I think I will try sleep after this so I don't get extra cravings due to sleep deprivation.

I also updated my goals page and am working on a recipe page. Still. Im loving the fact that my mother lets me get my own food now. I can eat low calorie soup for dinner all I want or just not eat dinner at all.

Hope you are all doing better than my fat ass at the moment.

This is killing me

I know im posting alot today but it's my blog so I can post as often as I like.

The porridge helped but now im feeling really really bad again.

More food it seems. So im scrambling two eggs. Thats about 230 calories with the sauce and butter and stuff.

Every bite is going to kill me but I don't want to be put into hospital for collapsing because then they will figure me out too soon.

I can't wait till the multi-vitamins get here. Less sickness and having to force myself to eat.

Gross 2

Scrap that. I hiccup'd again and couldn't stop the stomach acid coming up.

After that I stopped myself from passing out and went down stairs. I had a tiny bit of porridge and so far that has made me feel better.

My moods are all over the place.

I posted a topic on PT about this.

I wish I could eat normally.

I really do.

But I know as soon as I start I will hate myself even more than I do now.

Gross

I just hiccuped up vomit. I feel so weak I can hardly move my arms yet alone walk. I had 158 calories in the form of milk this morning (1am) and just now a glass of juice which is another 100 calories.

Im going to force myself to have some oats. Only a small amount but I don't want to get into the purging cycle. Throwing up just once makes me want to throw up absolutely everything. Even if I don't have food in my stomach I feel like throwing up stomach acid to lose weight. It's horrible.

Today will be a higher day. Today is a higher day already. Damn... I need more strength. There are probably alot of other people going through the same thing as me yet they don't turn to food.

Im sorry.

46.7kg

Im still 46.7kg. I have to check multiple times. Surely the scale is lying to me? Regardless if it is true or not that number is still fat. I was terrified the milk i let myself have would make me gain weight because it curdles in your stomach.

Im going to get a glass of water then play some form of a game. I feel drained and the gf is too busy to talk to me. I hate feeling drained even when you get over 8 hours sleep. Blehh.

My toes went purple this morning from walking to the bathroom. It wasn't even cold!

Im going to update my stats incase people dont want to read the beggining posts.

5'3 (161cm)

Highest Weight: 50kg (19.5 BMI) (Was 160cm)

Lowest Weight: 40kg (15.6 BMI) (Was 160cm)

Current Weight: 46.7kg (18 BMI) (At 161cm)

My BMI is 18????!?!?! Thats horrible... im going to cry... shit.

Oh well, I will be lower tomorrow!

Get into the 17's.

Hope you are all doing better than my fat ass.

1:09AM

My scale reads 46.7kg! That's 0.5kg since yesterday because I ate "little".

Today im ruining that early. Im sipping a glass of milk like it's a delicacy. I seriously forgot what milk tastes like. It's the coles full cream milk which is 158 calories a glass. I poured half a glass so im going to say it is 100 calories.

I changed today to a liquids only day. Im going to drink whatever I like to see what happens. No doubt I wont drink that much but still. Freedom... sort of.

I sent my gf a text saying I was fat because the scale said 48kg. It made her sad. I tried to apologise and she just told me im beautiful. We have a strange relationship. She definately hates my not eating though. Definately.

Oh and check out the food and drinks page. I added alot of new stuff to it. Im going to add a recipes page soon, recipes I am going to learn! Hopefully... I can't cook to save my life...

And yes they will all be low cal... As low cal as sights let them be anyway. Damn food having too many calories and making me fat.

Okay, im going to try get some sleep now.

Ni-night!

Success... in food atleast

Okay so

In

2 eggwhites (28)

Cayenne Pepper (2)

Tomato Sauce (26)

Soup - 50 Cal

Out

Stairs for a total of 5 mins (was half assed so im going to say 8)

Total

98

I don't worry about exercise. When I get back down to 40kg im not going to have the energy for it anyway. Today was good. Im thinking of cutting down the calories on my plan because a few of them are from last week and I was eating way to high then (like 500 - 800 Calories a day)

I accidently let it slip that I hadn't eaten today to my gf when she came around to say hi. Hence why I ate the egg whites with cayenne pepper and tomato sauce.

I just weighed myself and it said 48.3kg. Umm.. it's my jacket? Im bloated? How the hell is that possible after having an intake of 98 calories?

We will see the verdict tomorrow morning.

Im such a fat ass.

47.2kg (103.8lbs) STILL

Yes... read the title. I am still the 47kg monstrosity.

I just commented on a blog saying im not going to eat anything today but I decided against it.

When I go to the kitchen im allowed in total:

4 eggwhites (each with cayenne pepper)

Two cups of green tea.

Thats 66 calories.

If im still the same tomorrow... shits going to fly.

My stomach is also getting toned finally. I need to do more crunches though.

Im still a giant fat ass but I can ONLY eat this. Im cool with that xD

Im still tired after sleeping ten hours though. Maybe I should go back to sleep.

Stay well and strong if you need encouragement.

x

Bloody Doctors !!!

Didn't transfer my medical records to this state. I just realised that they haven't asked to weigh me or anything. I thought I was being sneaky and had gotten away with being underweight.

It explains why I had to get re-diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Blehh.

I don't know why im complaining... Maybe I will get hospitalised this time and actually have people take care of me. Alot of attention... I need that. I get lonely which is sad to admit. It drove me to attempting suicide.

Also I found a site with pictures of people who want to be models along with heights and weights. I picked out eleven of the smaller ones and created an average of their BMI's. It's 15.4 which is only half a kilo lower than what I was at my lowest weight. So im aiming for 39.5kg too see what I look like. I shall take a photo and compare it to one of my other ones hidden away somewhere o.O

Im sick and twisted and I like it. Alot.

P.S Notice the mood changes throughout this?

shit...

Good on you... 1000 calories in total you fat pig. God... im glad I didn't put on weight from it. Spent a fair bit of time moving and walking so hopefully I burnt a fair amount of it off and I don't gain. Blehh.

Still 47.2kg. That makes me want to get a knife and cut all my fat off and shave my head to lose a bit more weight. When I hit 45 I wont be happy but I wont feel as disgusted. Liar, you know you will, you felt this bad when you were 40kg.

This sucks, this perpetual cycle. Gloom and doom. Doom and gloom.

Tomorrow I have to do better. I can't give my body the chance to gain weight. I will have to be a social recluse. They are all trying to make me fatter. Can't they see that im already obese?

Call me a whiner I don't care. This is my body, I think it's disgusting. You dont have to see it or read this.

I apologise for the downer post.

The one next morning will be better.

After my exercises tonight I WILL lose weight.

P.S : Im sorry if I offended anyone, I love all the readers for taking time out of their day to read my thoughts :)

47.2kg

Well im dropping .1kg a day at this rate. It obviously isnt enough so im not eating anything during the day today. I am bringing two bottles of watered down juice with me to school. Then when I get home its a big bowl of soup for me. Thats 200 calories and hopefully I will lose more than 0.1kg.

Im also up extra early to catch the bus. Fun. It's a 20 minute walk to the bank and bus stop I need to catch.

I also hopefully get paid today which means extra christmas presents I can buy. I might also buy my first reward which is for reaching 47kg which I will no doubt do in the next day hopefully. I will have to buy the ankle weights (Yes thats my reward) after school.

I love losing weight, puts me in a better mood to start the day off.

Okay short entry done for today.

Stay well :)

Extra post from 17th November 2010

Im in an amazing mood for some reason but with amazing moods come security and with security comes extra eating I dont need.

I have eaten everything I want to eat for today and thats two bowls of soup for a grand total of 400 calories. Over-estimated of course. Why under-estimate if you can over-estimate?

I have joined several groups on PT.

I saw one but think im too much of a group whore so I now plan to lose 14lbs by January 1st. without the group I saw. In my measuring system its 6.3kg. So im aiming for 7kg to make it evens. I will finally be at my low weight and be able to break the barrier. I want to push my body to the limits but I dont want to die. I already have heart problems so im screwed either way.

My Dad is sending me some multi-vitamins so im looking foreward to that. They are chewy ones that dont taste horrible aswell. I will just have to refrain from eating to many which is what I used to do with another chewy vitamin thing I was taking. Till I realised they were sabotaging me.

I have scabies again... it's shit. Im so itchy. This also means another doctors appointment which im not going to make because I will forget it, thank you almost non-exhistant short term memory.

So im 160cm (5'3)

and currently 47.3kg (104lbs)

Lowest weight is 40kg (88lbs)

Which is what I will be by January 1st.

And that's also the day im flying to another state to see Dad. Everythings all melting together quite well.

Now the tricky bit... I need to lose 0.16kg a day to reach my goal weight.

Very do-able.

Especially since eating over 600 calories isn't an option.

Suprise

I woke up at about 10am today. Freaked out a bit because I don't like weighing myself too late in the day. About ten minutes ago (it's 12:35pm) i weighed myself and I haven't gained a thing. I don't know how but im still 47.3kg.

So im taking the opportunity for today to be a good day and im not eating till dinner. Im going to enjoy the control while I can. On a sadder note I have picked up the box of sugary jelly things I bought for my grandad about twelve times now. I have to keep saying, "No you bought them as a Christmas present, you can't eat other peoples Christmas presents. They are bad for you anyway, they will make you fat!"

Amazingly it works. I am seeing my Dad in January sometime. Im aiming to be 40kg by then so he doesn't think i've gotten fat. I love my Dad, I really do, I don't want to disappoint him.

I wish I lived on my own. Or with my gf in our own house. Then I would be able to eat as much as I like of what I want without the nagging that comes along with it. "That won't fill you up!" "Oh, here, you look like you need a bit more" *Random food gets put on plate* Gee, thanks...

Im taking out the rubbish today. I believe my mother is home so I have to put paper inside the plastic bags so she can't see what is in there.

Im so tired and stressed. Im stressing over school even though im like four days away from being done and I know I have passed almost everything. Eff my cert. I dont care about that anymore.

Plan for today. Hold out on food for as long as possible. No hoarding food. No late-night binging *cough cough* last night *cough*

I also feel like smoking alot of pot. Im too broke for that though.

Failure

This morning I weighed 47.3kg. Thats 0.4kg less than yesterday. I binged. All day. Atleast 2000 calories worth which means I ate 2024 calories today. Thats rubbish.

On the bright side I got some of my christmas shopping done. Im going to get a bigger present for my sister and lots more little things for my mother unless I see something big and interesting that she might like. I got something for my Grandad too. Now something for my nan, aunt, cousins, uncle and mums friend that is coming down in December. And my girlfriend.

Im really looking foreward to next year. All my pre-tertiary subjects. I will have something to pre-occupy my time so I don't binge again. Plus my new years resolutions will be too quit smoking and eat only healthy foods. I can achieve both of them. I know it. Im actually going to quit before then. Smoking does nothing for me. At all. All I have now is the addiction and again if I focus on other things I wont even notice.

I wrote up a 14 day plan for eating because i get too slack without a plan. After I have finished it i will repeat with no binges and ONLY healthy food.

My toes went purple this morning, I saw them through a hole in my sock. My hands went purple in the shower (it was a warm shower) and FEET went purple aswell. I mean seriously, my feet? I didn't think my circulation was that bad.

I will update again tomorrow. Im off too find more interesting blogs to follow. At the moment im only following one and it's this interesting girl who writes really well. If I could articulate my words that well I would be in heaven.

I would also be in heaven if I didn't have to recover. Thank god everyone thinks im fine now. I will have to be more carefull next time.