wow

Did I get a lot of shit on christmas? Yes, yes I did. By shit I mean stuff I needed and have wanted to buy myself. Including a hair straightener and a ruler length eyeliner. I desperately needed eyeliner.

Food-wise I got:

A gingerbread house - im going to say it's about 800 cal

A large box of favorites - 1479 calories for the entire box (I could eat the entire thing and still be technically starving myself, this shows that the whole I idea of calories and losing weight is fucked)

A big lollypop type thing with 13 lollypops inside - 498 for all of them

And last but not least this big tower with five levels:

Level 1 - 100 g jelly beans - 387 calories for all

Level 2 - 65g Mini marshmallows - 53 calories for all

Level 3 - 185g fruit drops - 714 calories for all

Level 4 - 230g Caramel Toffees - 942 calories for all

Level 5 -140g choc chip cookies - 704 calories for all

That's a total of 5577 calories! They want to make me fat and unhealthy xD

Im not going to be weighing myself for at least a month because in Victoria (I remember from experience) it is very hard to get time alone to weigh myself and the scale is really really noisy. I going to go by how my body looks, the fatter it looks the more I work out. I know Body Dysmorphic Disorder will play an issue but three weeks (which is the actual time I will be there for) isn't enough time to do too much damage.

Im also going to start writing a book, about my rise to... well being in a band and known. It's something I have to achieve before I die and I am going to. The being known part, the book I can live without. I do plan to publish a book but nothing along that line.

I leave tomorrow to go somewhere for two days, the whole thing is a suprise and im not happy. I hate suprises. I shall see when I get there. Im going to bring a book so I can blog when I get back.

Thank you for your comments. I apologise because I don't have the energy to comment on them and I do feel bad for once.

It's strange, people behind a computer screen get more emotion out of me than loved ones. More sad than strange but im going to stick with strange.

Stay well everyone and achieve your goals.

fuck

Okay... my goal for the rest of the month is to not go online, at all, if I have been drinking. Amazingly ninety-nine percent of my last post had been copy and pasted. Also preferably not get to that point if I have been drinking. It makes my organs hurt and me feel like shit so im not doing very much for my body.

My daily goals for the rest of the week go:

Today: Drink about three glasses of water to make up for the dehydration otherwise known as a hang over. Get credit and contact lense solution. Buy a drink, preferably carbonated and with caffiene, be home before two. Go on the treadmill for thirty minutes. Don't eat shitty food.

Okay so that's more than one goal but I have to shape up.

Christmas: Eat only healthy foods at christmas dinner. Drink a glass of water every two hours and have ONE serving of something junky for dessert. Get in thirty minutes exercise if possible.

Sunday will be the same as christmas day but without the dessert at the end.

My goal for this week is just to simply follow through with the daily ones and write everything down in my self exploration book im making. I made a book to help me along the path of "self exploration and self preservation" all in all it's to help me make myself better, reach my goals and preferably get alot healthier.

This doesn't mean im going to stop drinking completely and it doesn't mean im going to stop eating junky foods, im just going to do it with a lot more moderation.

And thank you WJ89 for commenting :)

And so far calorie wise today I would have had about 400 from drinking agrum (it's a sort of soft drink)

It was to stop me * possible too much information warning* projectile vomiting everywhere and knowing my luck passing out in it. Bleck. Hangovers are horrible.

dstop drinking

bad stop drinkg and tlaking to ex's on msn

is it bad that i still mis you ... coruse ut its you isdiom...

ehh dont tseionk and tlak at that the same stime...

stupid..

My view

I was looking on www.churchofsatan.com because I am highly interested in Satanism as it represents a lot of the beliefs I have hid inside a fair amount of the time. Such as self satisfaction, living for yourself instead of for others, treat people as they treat you, don't harm children, don't kill animals unless harmed or for food, etc. If you look on the site and read around you will see much more than what the media represents.

Anyway on an application form to represent the church of satan to a greater extent, (yes there is an application form, it is so people don't go out to the media representing the church of satan and making up bullshit, they want to be represented properly and undo some of the mistakes others have made about satanism) and the form had a question. The question was "Define Satan." Simple right?

Well no not for me. My definition is:

Satan is a label for anything negative or opposite to popular beliefs. That is the number one definition I have for the word satan. Another definition is self-satisfaction. I believe self-satisfaction is a large part of "Satan". In books and storys - satan as a being - was always shown as taking what he needed and occasionally sparing others, in turn earning satisfaction for "himself", which caused a negative attitude from others.

That's my small non-sensical version of my definition on it anyway.

Okay I might post later. It's 10pm though so it isn't very likely.

I do want your views on satanism though so comment away. BUT, only if they are intelligent and not something idiotic like "satanists kill people and worship the devil" because that is completely wrong and I would simply tell you to visit the website and see for yourself what satanism really is.

:)

post time

Im overdue for a post.

The alcohol is running out of my system and for once im me, instead of a sheep clouded by humanity.

I saw on a blog a statement that changed how I thought about things, it wasn't the complete statement either. I feel like a very sad insignificant human because something someone said changed how I thought about things... quite alot. It was *drum roll* "Your body is a temple."

Yes five words of ... inspiration. It sparked my search back into satanism which I am extremely interested in and the two sort of co-incided. I hope that's a proper word.

Go to http://www.churchofsatan.com/ for proper information on satanism. It's about self satisfaction in short.

So from now on im having one treat a day with the rest of the day being healthy. Plus im having a daily goal to reach as well as a weekly and monthly goal. Im also going to open my mind to everything people say to me and focus more on myself than on the world.

We shall see how this goes.

Plus I gained weight which caused me to drink as said above. Okay that's a lie, i chose to drink but the gaining weight gave me the thought.

Stupid I know and stupid isn't something I want to be.

Hope you are all doing well. I did read all your comments.

And a note to Bree, I appreciate you posting your blog link for me but the way you set it up as an advertisement to everyone pissed me off. Please don't do that... again. Anyone.If you want other people to see it as well just ask me to include it in a post or something.

yeah title's suck

smallasapanda - thankyou for commenting :) Im glad it didn't freak you out. Did it just randomly stop one day? And Dying Breed is a movie about cannibals in Tasmania. I plan to visit where it was filmed xD

I shall update you all with my weight when I get. No screw it I will wait to post untill I have weighed myself.

Okay so im 47.4kg this morning. Last night I was 47.8kg supposably. I just want the god damn bloat to go away and stop ballooning my weight.

Plus im doubting me being a lesbian is true, I have had countless dreams about screwing Marilyn Manson. Im just fucked up at the moment.

Today im just going to survive on drinks till I get home. If im going to get food then its going to be healthy.

I was going to wait

As I said in the title I was going to wait. I was going to wait and let other people comment on the post. I want to see your opinions so please comment. But I saw a PT blog title that said date anxiety. Of course it was aobut having anxiety about going on a date blah blah but I processed it as Date, Anxiety. As in actually go on a date with anxiety. I can immagine what it would be like.

Walking in to the restaurant only to see a person shakily downing their fourth alcoholic drink. You arrived perfectly on time so you are suprised to see them here already.

You don't know that they came half an hour early in case they had gotten the wrong time. In case they were late.

They are dressed in a formal shirt and dress pants with polished shoes. You came in a semi-formal dress clutching your purse in your hands like a cliche. You are un-aware that they spent hours trying on clothes after clothes to find ones they thought would make themselves look good for a change. When they ask you how they look you reply that they look great. You see them start compulsively folding and unfolding the napkin infront of them but do not think about it any further. You do not know that you may aswell have said they look like shit because that's what your comment sounded like. To them it was too generic to be meaningful, "Surely it's just a cover up, they are just trying to be nice, they are pitying you!".

The conversation consists mainly of their hysterical laughter when confronted with the usual questions, "Do you have a job? How do you like your job? How long is your longest relationship? Hobbies?"

You catch them staring while you pick at your salad, they ordered a steak with sides. They wonder if you think they eat too much. They wonder if they put you off your appetite. They are too scared to ask you. Beads of sweat form on their forehead while you are sitting there trying not to shiver.

Time goes past and the date has gone silent. Their leg shakes violently under the table. The napkin folding and unfolding continued twenty minutes ago. You call over the waiter for a check. (Aka paying for your food)

You like the person even with all the odd things they do so you invite them over to your place. They laugh hysterically and cannot form a sentence. As soon as the waiter comes back with your reciept your date smiles awkwardly and you say your goodbyes. Your date curses to themself on the drive home, they send you an apologetic text and you never hear from them again.

The ending is shit but I was never good with endings. I had to let my creative juices flow. I can't bottle up anymore emotion its unhealthy. Plus I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. Heaven help me. I asked my girlfriend to come with me so she can explain the mood swings. I don't know if she is going to turn up or not.

Im back again, stranger than ever

Sorry for not posting or a while. I got my monthly trick and now everyday there's more bloat weight. I end up at a lower weight by the end of the day then when I wake up in the morning im almost a kilo heavier.

Im not eating today. I told myself this morning and haven't wanted food since. Food has lost its appeal. It's plastic and toxic and dangerous. It makes me put on weight because my body can't digest foreign materials.

Good news, I have 21 followers now. Which is great. Welcome all new followers and if any of you have blogs then post a comment with the link and I will follow it :) And read it.

I don't really post comments. Social interaction even through a computer screen is hard for me. Any interaction is hard for me. I view humans as another species to myself. Sometimes. When i lose all recognition of who or what I am. When I lose all empathy for people and just see objects around me.

I haven't told anyone and this is my biggest secret. I have tried to tell people in the past but they passed it off as something minor and brought up their own problems instead. I have to use all my self control to reel in the impulses. Someone yells out something rude, don't go back and smash their head into the concrete Cassy... Don't do it. I keep walking and pretend nothing is going on. It doesn't happen all the time but when it does happen it kills me. I feel like a monster, inhumane, deserving of death.

For this reason I like movies like Secret Window, Fight Club, Dexter (TV show) things where the people aren't like everybody else. They are my favorite movies. Along with Dying Breed. That one is my number one favorite.

Comment replys (You all deserve them :) A bit late but oh well)

Smallasapanda - Yes I do that too. Which is why I made a list of rules and one of them includes never finish what you are eating. That way I save some calories and it helps me snap out of junk food addiction moments.

Toomi - Well so far no smokes for 2 days. I keep caving. Im smoking alot less than before so slow and steady wins the race at the moment. The way I see it is that if I have one every so often (rarely when I can get one) then I won't go psycho with them if they are ever readilly available to me and by the time it gets to new years I will be able to quit easy because I will have a hold on the addiction. God im ruled by all my addictions at the moment, not good.

Acka11 - Yeah I wish we could survive without eating. Everything would be so much simpler.

I hope this post didn't err freak anybody out. Im having a strange moment and stupidly I decided to blog.

treadmill

Quick update.

Once I hunt down my socks and my shorts then im going on the treadmill to jog to HED P.E If you haven't heard them you should go on youtube and search their song SUFFA. It's amazing :)

Intake. Dissapointed

1 hashbrown - 300

1 fried egg - 100

1 piece kiwi - 10

1 piece banana - 30

1 strawberry - 5

2 piece rockmelon - 15

pasta - 200

cupasoup - 122

Total: 782 Calories

It's only 2:45pm so I will have other stuff most likely. If I need to snack im going for the fruit in the fridge. Might even have that for dinner. Processed food makes me feel icky but it's like an addiction. >.<

It scares me and repulses me but I eat it. Im so stupid.

Oh wow my plan is actually working for once

Ok so usually the little eating plans I come up with don't work but this one is. It's awesome. Im now proudly down to 47.4kg. Which is 0.6 of a pound.

So I seem to be losing 0.3kg a day which is fine by me.

I need to go get ready for breakfast bleck so I will be on here in a little bit :)

And I will reply to your comment Acka11 and thank you for following :)

oh my fucking god oh holy metabolism I love you

1 yoghurt -150

bbq chicken mi goreng noodles - 420

1 banana -120

1 yoghurt -150

small bit of chocolate - 300 (over-estimate)

rice (brown and white) - 300

broad beans - 320

mint jelly (on the rice) -100

Total: 1860

 

HOLY FUCK!

 

Okay so 5/8 of that was healthy and one was a condiment so only 2 unhealthy foods there but holy crap that's alot of calories. I haven't eaten that much on a non binge day in forever. Excuse me for a second I have to run to the scale while trying to breathe deeply.Holy fuck im still 47.7kg. How the hell is that possible?

 

Metabolism, metabolism, metabolism... i love you dearly. Tomorrow morning I have to eat breakfast with the family because relatives we havent seen in ages are coming over. Im going to eat something (even though I got given the choice not to eat) and that something will be eggs hopefully -and by eggs I mean full eggs xD-

 

Now im paranoid im going to gain in my sleep. Bleck.

 

Oh and no cigarette cravings all day xD

 

Toomi - Thanks for your comment :) I have tried quiting smoking before but back then I wasn't addicted so it was easy plus five years isn't an easy habit to give up. (Yes i started when I was 12, backhand me!) But I think I can manage it and I even wrote down today's date in my book as the date I quit smoking. Congradulations on the year smoke free, that's amazing :) Now I have even more encouragement and motivation to do it :)

 

Smallasapanda - Yeah I don't eat much saturated fat at all thank god. Minus those noodles im sure they had a tonne. If I eat them again it will just be the plain noodles and the flavoring should bring it down to about 200 calories. Lmao now I have eaten alot. It's mainly healthy food though so atleast it's not junk food.

 

Thank you for your comments toomi and smallasapanda. You guys make me look foreward to blogging :)

Goodbye useless pound and comment answers :)

So I lost a pound since yesterday. God knows how with all those bloody lollies. It was probably all the walking that did it actually.

Im going by what I used to do. If it's junky and I have had it before then I don't need to eat it because I already know what it tastes like and it's just weight gain waiting to happen. If I haven't had it before I can have some but only in moderation so I don't gain weight from it.

@wj89 - Yes I am/was a vegetarian. Working towards being a pescetarian. Then im going to start eating chicken and that will be all. Im a bit worried about finding out the calories in these things because I don't know the servings sizes and such but it's something else to occupy my time I guess.

Continuing on from the comment answer I ate seafood salad yesterday. I hadn't had anything like this for three years so in my desperation I ate it fast and hoped it would make me sick. It didn't and I somehow lost weight aswell so im not complaining. I shall add seafood to the food page, the closest I have come to eating chicken is chicken stock and natural chicken flavouring in the processed foods I occasionaly (or daily at the moment) treat myself with.

REST OF THE COMMENTS! :)

Toomi - I have a feeling I answered yours already lmao but I will definately have a look the next time my family goes food shopping. The herbed ones sound amazing.

smallasapanda - Err I failed giving up smoking. Majorly bad cravings and walking around town where it's legal to smoke everywhere in the streets = cave. None today though so I might try again. Might. Regardless im not smoking past new years and that's a promise to everyone and I don't break promises.Is it bad that I feel like im letting you down when I fail? lmao.

FOOD TODAY:

Last but not least my horrible intake. Im training myself for chicken so...

1 yoghurt -150

bbq chicken mi goreng noodles - 420

Holy jebus.. I won't gain off that but that's a bloody lot. Don't worry the rest of the day will be vegetables to help flush the gunk out of my system. Well vegetables and a banana smoothie :) It's going to be one frozen banana (120), small amount of milk (180), yoghurt (150) but it will be good and filling and im going on the treadmill for some major calorie burning later.

*insert inventive blog title here*

Today was a bit of half and half.

Food:

1 banana -120

20 broad beans -320

4 mannabear vitamins 35.4

1 strawberry

20 broad beans -320

lollies -about 800 atleast

EDIT: It was atleast 1600. The lollies may have been a major over-exageration though. I was in a shitty mood. Probably only like 1300 in total.

Back down

Well smallasapanda I believe you spoke too soon because I binged till I couldn't move yesterday. Sky rocketed to 48.9kg's and am now back down to 48.2kg's. I am changing the way I eat completely. I  can only eat healthy foods and no eating after 6pm. Plus I have to burn a minimum of 200 calories a day.

I started off today with a banana and im hoping that will last me till I get home from shopping.

Im not going to have a calorie limit im just going to spend the days till sunday eating healthy foods and see what happens with my weight.

When I get home from shopping my plan is to steam a large handfull of broad beans which will be atleast 200 calories of high protein low fat goodness (5 broad beans are 80cal so you can guess) to keep me going while I go on the treadmill and then steam other veggies I can find for dinner and have strawberrys or something else we are growing in the garden for a snack.

Im aiming to stay away from processed foods as much as possible.

I will answer the comments later when I get a charger for my laptop >.> Mine and my mothers broke.

Good day there?

@smallasapanda - im answering your comment first because it made me laugh. Alot. Mainly the saggy thing xD And my grandparents own a big farm there so I will be there doing farmy things and exercising alot, yay!

Ballarat is the closest place I can think of from the farm and that's still a fair drive lol.

@anna - Im not sure if I answered your comment already but good luck on your goal.

@ toomi - wow I didn't know there was such a thing. What does the container look like? Im interested xD

Okay so just activated my new phone. Finally. It's been sitting in its box for 6 months. Actually probably more like nine months but you get the point. There's a to do crossed off the list.

I also haven't had a smoke today. My last smoke was yesterday and I am officially quiting. Mann im craving a smoke so bad. Like so bad.

Okay now onto the main part of my life... food. That's so sad to say bu true.

Today I have had:

Breakfast: Flame grilled BBQ chicken cupasoup -122

Lunch: 1 egg - 78

Will have for dinner:

1 egg - 78

5 broad beans -80

Total: 358 cal

I might have already said this but im staying under 400 calories a day. I don't deserve to eat more yet alone prep myself for a binge by eating more.

Im going to see waht it would cost to move out. I need to move out for uni in about 4 years. I know it's a long time away but it gives me something to do.

Stay strong and well if you can :)

back finally

I am back from the camping trip. I tried a few things I haven't eaten before and I actually like them. Duck eggs for instance. I had one for breakfast this morning before the hour and a half hike up (which involved having to climb over trees, crawl under trees, hop rocks etc... it buggered me) I am going to google the calories.

We also had alcohol, alot of alcohol which... has calories. Stupid me forgot alcohol has calories in it and now im... in the 47 kilograms range. Blehh. Tomorrow I can make up for it.

We tried fishing with gummy worms, blowing up bottles on the fire, madly hunting down mozzies and of course swimming in rapids. It was the best few days I have ever had.

Tomorrow im going to have:

1 egg for breakfast (78)

1 egg for lunch (78)

1 egg for dinner (78)

1/4 cup brown rice (67.75)

Total: 301.75

Plus walking up and down the goat track 3 times which will burn about 200 calories (im under-etimating) so my net total will be 101.75 calories.

I shall do the goat track daily and will have my calorie intake under 400 a day from now on because... I lost control... I don't deserve more food than that.

Oh and a good note... my girlfriend gave me my six month anniversary present early. It's gorgeous. It's a bracelet (white gold) with a detailed flowery heart that is made to look like a locket. I normally don't like that stuff but it is amazing. And she re-affirmed that she want's to stay with me till we get old. I got butterflys for the second or third time in my life.

I will post again tomorrow :)

Now off to read your blogs.

And holy shit I was going through my last post to see if I missed anything and I realised I actually lost weight since then...

Im still shitty. I should be in the 46's. Still going with what I said and sticking to it.

Smallasapanda - My friend has a 36 hectare backyard which is hills and rivers and bush so we went to the campground there. Took five bloody hours to get there because her brother got us lost >.> Good exercise though. And your comment is so true. We are planning to camp again. Probably Februaryish though because im going to victoria in January. 

SORRY! I even used caps >.>

Im going out to the middle of woop woop to camp with friends and my girlfriend. This is going to fail epicly but what can you do? So for the next 3-4 days I wont be posting.

Plus im almost 48kg now because me being an absolute dick got high again last night to get over my cone-over. Killer munchies much.

When I come back I will have lost weight... if not then theres a strict exercise regime coming into play.

:)