Sorry for not posting or a while. I got my monthly trick and now everyday there's more bloat weight. I end up at a lower weight by the end of the day then when I wake up in the morning im almost a kilo heavier.
Im not eating today. I told myself this morning and haven't wanted food since. Food has lost its appeal. It's plastic and toxic and dangerous. It makes me put on weight because my body can't digest foreign materials.
Good news, I have 21 followers now. Which is great. Welcome all new followers and if any of you have blogs then post a comment with the link and I will follow it :) And read it.
I don't really post comments. Social interaction even through a computer screen is hard for me. Any interaction is hard for me. I view humans as another species to myself. Sometimes. When i lose all recognition of who or what I am. When I lose all empathy for people and just see objects around me.
I haven't told anyone and this is my biggest secret. I have tried to tell people in the past but they passed it off as something minor and brought up their own problems instead. I have to use all my self control to reel in the impulses. Someone yells out something rude, don't go back and smash their head into the concrete Cassy... Don't do it. I keep walking and pretend nothing is going on. It doesn't happen all the time but when it does happen it kills me. I feel like a monster, inhumane, deserving of death.
For this reason I like movies like Secret Window, Fight Club, Dexter (TV show) things where the people aren't like everybody else. They are my favorite movies. Along with Dying Breed. That one is my number one favorite.
Comment replys (You all deserve them :) A bit late but oh well)
Smallasapanda - Yes I do that too. Which is why I made a list of rules and one of them includes never finish what you are eating. That way I save some calories and it helps me snap out of junk food addiction moments.
Toomi - Well so far no smokes for 2 days. I keep caving. Im smoking alot less than before so slow and steady wins the race at the moment. The way I see it is that if I have one every so often (rarely when I can get one) then I won't go psycho with them if they are ever readilly available to me and by the time it gets to new years I will be able to quit easy because I will have a hold on the addiction. God im ruled by all my addictions at the moment, not good.
Acka11 - Yeah I wish we could survive without eating. Everything would be so much simpler.
I hope this post didn't err freak anybody out. Im having a strange moment and stupidly I decided to blog.
It didn't freak me out. I always used to associate myself as something other than a human, i remember in year 9 whenever i saw a person walk near me i would imagine cutting open the backs of their thighs or their arms and looking at the muscle, i have NO idea where that came from, but it stopped eventually...
ReplyDeleteI loveeee all the shows/movies you mentioned except i haven't seen A Dying Breed.
Get through that first 72 hrs and believe it or not it does get easier. Your body needs to detox from nicotine for that first bit. It's the hardest part for it, after that it's still hard, but easier. Keep at it!!! You will feel so much better :)
ReplyDelete