wow

Did I get a lot of shit on christmas? Yes, yes I did. By shit I mean stuff I needed and have wanted to buy myself. Including a hair straightener and a ruler length eyeliner. I desperately needed eyeliner.

Food-wise I got:

A gingerbread house - im going to say it's about 800 cal

A large box of favorites - 1479 calories for the entire box (I could eat the entire thing and still be technically starving myself, this shows that the whole I idea of calories and losing weight is fucked)

A big lollypop type thing with 13 lollypops inside - 498 for all of them

And last but not least this big tower with five levels:

Level 1 - 100 g jelly beans - 387 calories for all

Level 2 - 65g Mini marshmallows - 53 calories for all

Level 3 - 185g fruit drops - 714 calories for all

Level 4 - 230g Caramel Toffees - 942 calories for all

Level 5 -140g choc chip cookies - 704 calories for all

That's a total of 5577 calories! They want to make me fat and unhealthy xD

Im not going to be weighing myself for at least a month because in Victoria (I remember from experience) it is very hard to get time alone to weigh myself and the scale is really really noisy. I going to go by how my body looks, the fatter it looks the more I work out. I know Body Dysmorphic Disorder will play an issue but three weeks (which is the actual time I will be there for) isn't enough time to do too much damage.

Im also going to start writing a book, about my rise to... well being in a band and known. It's something I have to achieve before I die and I am going to. The being known part, the book I can live without. I do plan to publish a book but nothing along that line.

I leave tomorrow to go somewhere for two days, the whole thing is a suprise and im not happy. I hate suprises. I shall see when I get there. Im going to bring a book so I can blog when I get back.

Thank you for your comments. I apologise because I don't have the energy to comment on them and I do feel bad for once.

It's strange, people behind a computer screen get more emotion out of me than loved ones. More sad than strange but im going to stick with strange.

Stay well everyone and achieve your goals.

fuck

Okay... my goal for the rest of the month is to not go online, at all, if I have been drinking. Amazingly ninety-nine percent of my last post had been copy and pasted. Also preferably not get to that point if I have been drinking. It makes my organs hurt and me feel like shit so im not doing very much for my body.

My daily goals for the rest of the week go:

Today: Drink about three glasses of water to make up for the dehydration otherwise known as a hang over. Get credit and contact lense solution. Buy a drink, preferably carbonated and with caffiene, be home before two. Go on the treadmill for thirty minutes. Don't eat shitty food.

Okay so that's more than one goal but I have to shape up.

Christmas: Eat only healthy foods at christmas dinner. Drink a glass of water every two hours and have ONE serving of something junky for dessert. Get in thirty minutes exercise if possible.

Sunday will be the same as christmas day but without the dessert at the end.

My goal for this week is just to simply follow through with the daily ones and write everything down in my self exploration book im making. I made a book to help me along the path of "self exploration and self preservation" all in all it's to help me make myself better, reach my goals and preferably get alot healthier.

This doesn't mean im going to stop drinking completely and it doesn't mean im going to stop eating junky foods, im just going to do it with a lot more moderation.

And thank you WJ89 for commenting :)

And so far calorie wise today I would have had about 400 from drinking agrum (it's a sort of soft drink)

It was to stop me * possible too much information warning* projectile vomiting everywhere and knowing my luck passing out in it. Bleck. Hangovers are horrible.

dstop drinking

bad stop drinkg and tlaking to ex's on msn

is it bad that i still mis you ... coruse ut its you isdiom...

ehh dont tseionk and tlak at that the same stime...

stupid..

My view

I was looking on www.churchofsatan.com because I am highly interested in Satanism as it represents a lot of the beliefs I have hid inside a fair amount of the time. Such as self satisfaction, living for yourself instead of for others, treat people as they treat you, don't harm children, don't kill animals unless harmed or for food, etc. If you look on the site and read around you will see much more than what the media represents.

Anyway on an application form to represent the church of satan to a greater extent, (yes there is an application form, it is so people don't go out to the media representing the church of satan and making up bullshit, they want to be represented properly and undo some of the mistakes others have made about satanism) and the form had a question. The question was "Define Satan." Simple right?

Well no not for me. My definition is:

Satan is a label for anything negative or opposite to popular beliefs. That is the number one definition I have for the word satan. Another definition is self-satisfaction. I believe self-satisfaction is a large part of "Satan". In books and storys - satan as a being - was always shown as taking what he needed and occasionally sparing others, in turn earning satisfaction for "himself", which caused a negative attitude from others.

That's my small non-sensical version of my definition on it anyway.

Okay I might post later. It's 10pm though so it isn't very likely.

I do want your views on satanism though so comment away. BUT, only if they are intelligent and not something idiotic like "satanists kill people and worship the devil" because that is completely wrong and I would simply tell you to visit the website and see for yourself what satanism really is.

:)

post time

Im overdue for a post.

The alcohol is running out of my system and for once im me, instead of a sheep clouded by humanity.

I saw on a blog a statement that changed how I thought about things, it wasn't the complete statement either. I feel like a very sad insignificant human because something someone said changed how I thought about things... quite alot. It was *drum roll* "Your body is a temple."

Yes five words of ... inspiration. It sparked my search back into satanism which I am extremely interested in and the two sort of co-incided. I hope that's a proper word.

Go to http://www.churchofsatan.com/ for proper information on satanism. It's about self satisfaction in short.

So from now on im having one treat a day with the rest of the day being healthy. Plus im having a daily goal to reach as well as a weekly and monthly goal. Im also going to open my mind to everything people say to me and focus more on myself than on the world.

We shall see how this goes.

Plus I gained weight which caused me to drink as said above. Okay that's a lie, i chose to drink but the gaining weight gave me the thought.

Stupid I know and stupid isn't something I want to be.

Hope you are all doing well. I did read all your comments.

And a note to Bree, I appreciate you posting your blog link for me but the way you set it up as an advertisement to everyone pissed me off. Please don't do that... again. Anyone.If you want other people to see it as well just ask me to include it in a post or something.

yeah title's suck

smallasapanda - thankyou for commenting :) Im glad it didn't freak you out. Did it just randomly stop one day? And Dying Breed is a movie about cannibals in Tasmania. I plan to visit where it was filmed xD

I shall update you all with my weight when I get. No screw it I will wait to post untill I have weighed myself.

Okay so im 47.4kg this morning. Last night I was 47.8kg supposably. I just want the god damn bloat to go away and stop ballooning my weight.

Plus im doubting me being a lesbian is true, I have had countless dreams about screwing Marilyn Manson. Im just fucked up at the moment.

Today im just going to survive on drinks till I get home. If im going to get food then its going to be healthy.

I was going to wait

As I said in the title I was going to wait. I was going to wait and let other people comment on the post. I want to see your opinions so please comment. But I saw a PT blog title that said date anxiety. Of course it was aobut having anxiety about going on a date blah blah but I processed it as Date, Anxiety. As in actually go on a date with anxiety. I can immagine what it would be like.

Walking in to the restaurant only to see a person shakily downing their fourth alcoholic drink. You arrived perfectly on time so you are suprised to see them here already.

You don't know that they came half an hour early in case they had gotten the wrong time. In case they were late.

They are dressed in a formal shirt and dress pants with polished shoes. You came in a semi-formal dress clutching your purse in your hands like a cliche. You are un-aware that they spent hours trying on clothes after clothes to find ones they thought would make themselves look good for a change. When they ask you how they look you reply that they look great. You see them start compulsively folding and unfolding the napkin infront of them but do not think about it any further. You do not know that you may aswell have said they look like shit because that's what your comment sounded like. To them it was too generic to be meaningful, "Surely it's just a cover up, they are just trying to be nice, they are pitying you!".

The conversation consists mainly of their hysterical laughter when confronted with the usual questions, "Do you have a job? How do you like your job? How long is your longest relationship? Hobbies?"

You catch them staring while you pick at your salad, they ordered a steak with sides. They wonder if you think they eat too much. They wonder if they put you off your appetite. They are too scared to ask you. Beads of sweat form on their forehead while you are sitting there trying not to shiver.

Time goes past and the date has gone silent. Their leg shakes violently under the table. The napkin folding and unfolding continued twenty minutes ago. You call over the waiter for a check. (Aka paying for your food)

You like the person even with all the odd things they do so you invite them over to your place. They laugh hysterically and cannot form a sentence. As soon as the waiter comes back with your reciept your date smiles awkwardly and you say your goodbyes. Your date curses to themself on the drive home, they send you an apologetic text and you never hear from them again.

The ending is shit but I was never good with endings. I had to let my creative juices flow. I can't bottle up anymore emotion its unhealthy. Plus I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. Heaven help me. I asked my girlfriend to come with me so she can explain the mood swings. I don't know if she is going to turn up or not.

Im back again, stranger than ever

Sorry for not posting or a while. I got my monthly trick and now everyday there's more bloat weight. I end up at a lower weight by the end of the day then when I wake up in the morning im almost a kilo heavier.

Im not eating today. I told myself this morning and haven't wanted food since. Food has lost its appeal. It's plastic and toxic and dangerous. It makes me put on weight because my body can't digest foreign materials.

Good news, I have 21 followers now. Which is great. Welcome all new followers and if any of you have blogs then post a comment with the link and I will follow it :) And read it.

I don't really post comments. Social interaction even through a computer screen is hard for me. Any interaction is hard for me. I view humans as another species to myself. Sometimes. When i lose all recognition of who or what I am. When I lose all empathy for people and just see objects around me.

I haven't told anyone and this is my biggest secret. I have tried to tell people in the past but they passed it off as something minor and brought up their own problems instead. I have to use all my self control to reel in the impulses. Someone yells out something rude, don't go back and smash their head into the concrete Cassy... Don't do it. I keep walking and pretend nothing is going on. It doesn't happen all the time but when it does happen it kills me. I feel like a monster, inhumane, deserving of death.

For this reason I like movies like Secret Window, Fight Club, Dexter (TV show) things where the people aren't like everybody else. They are my favorite movies. Along with Dying Breed. That one is my number one favorite.

Comment replys (You all deserve them :) A bit late but oh well)

Smallasapanda - Yes I do that too. Which is why I made a list of rules and one of them includes never finish what you are eating. That way I save some calories and it helps me snap out of junk food addiction moments.

Toomi - Well so far no smokes for 2 days. I keep caving. Im smoking alot less than before so slow and steady wins the race at the moment. The way I see it is that if I have one every so often (rarely when I can get one) then I won't go psycho with them if they are ever readilly available to me and by the time it gets to new years I will be able to quit easy because I will have a hold on the addiction. God im ruled by all my addictions at the moment, not good.

Acka11 - Yeah I wish we could survive without eating. Everything would be so much simpler.

I hope this post didn't err freak anybody out. Im having a strange moment and stupidly I decided to blog.

treadmill

Quick update.

Once I hunt down my socks and my shorts then im going on the treadmill to jog to HED P.E If you haven't heard them you should go on youtube and search their song SUFFA. It's amazing :)

Intake. Dissapointed

1 hashbrown - 300

1 fried egg - 100

1 piece kiwi - 10

1 piece banana - 30

1 strawberry - 5

2 piece rockmelon - 15

pasta - 200

cupasoup - 122

Total: 782 Calories

It's only 2:45pm so I will have other stuff most likely. If I need to snack im going for the fruit in the fridge. Might even have that for dinner. Processed food makes me feel icky but it's like an addiction. >.<

It scares me and repulses me but I eat it. Im so stupid.

Oh wow my plan is actually working for once

Ok so usually the little eating plans I come up with don't work but this one is. It's awesome. Im now proudly down to 47.4kg. Which is 0.6 of a pound.

So I seem to be losing 0.3kg a day which is fine by me.

I need to go get ready for breakfast bleck so I will be on here in a little bit :)

And I will reply to your comment Acka11 and thank you for following :)

oh my fucking god oh holy metabolism I love you

1 yoghurt -150

bbq chicken mi goreng noodles - 420

1 banana -120

1 yoghurt -150

small bit of chocolate - 300 (over-estimate)

rice (brown and white) - 300

broad beans - 320

mint jelly (on the rice) -100

Total: 1860

 

HOLY FUCK!

 

Okay so 5/8 of that was healthy and one was a condiment so only 2 unhealthy foods there but holy crap that's alot of calories. I haven't eaten that much on a non binge day in forever. Excuse me for a second I have to run to the scale while trying to breathe deeply.Holy fuck im still 47.7kg. How the hell is that possible?

 

Metabolism, metabolism, metabolism... i love you dearly. Tomorrow morning I have to eat breakfast with the family because relatives we havent seen in ages are coming over. Im going to eat something (even though I got given the choice not to eat) and that something will be eggs hopefully -and by eggs I mean full eggs xD-

 

Now im paranoid im going to gain in my sleep. Bleck.

 

Oh and no cigarette cravings all day xD

 

Toomi - Thanks for your comment :) I have tried quiting smoking before but back then I wasn't addicted so it was easy plus five years isn't an easy habit to give up. (Yes i started when I was 12, backhand me!) But I think I can manage it and I even wrote down today's date in my book as the date I quit smoking. Congradulations on the year smoke free, that's amazing :) Now I have even more encouragement and motivation to do it :)

 

Smallasapanda - Yeah I don't eat much saturated fat at all thank god. Minus those noodles im sure they had a tonne. If I eat them again it will just be the plain noodles and the flavoring should bring it down to about 200 calories. Lmao now I have eaten alot. It's mainly healthy food though so atleast it's not junk food.

 

Thank you for your comments toomi and smallasapanda. You guys make me look foreward to blogging :)

Goodbye useless pound and comment answers :)

So I lost a pound since yesterday. God knows how with all those bloody lollies. It was probably all the walking that did it actually.

Im going by what I used to do. If it's junky and I have had it before then I don't need to eat it because I already know what it tastes like and it's just weight gain waiting to happen. If I haven't had it before I can have some but only in moderation so I don't gain weight from it.

@wj89 - Yes I am/was a vegetarian. Working towards being a pescetarian. Then im going to start eating chicken and that will be all. Im a bit worried about finding out the calories in these things because I don't know the servings sizes and such but it's something else to occupy my time I guess.

Continuing on from the comment answer I ate seafood salad yesterday. I hadn't had anything like this for three years so in my desperation I ate it fast and hoped it would make me sick. It didn't and I somehow lost weight aswell so im not complaining. I shall add seafood to the food page, the closest I have come to eating chicken is chicken stock and natural chicken flavouring in the processed foods I occasionaly (or daily at the moment) treat myself with.

REST OF THE COMMENTS! :)

Toomi - I have a feeling I answered yours already lmao but I will definately have a look the next time my family goes food shopping. The herbed ones sound amazing.

smallasapanda - Err I failed giving up smoking. Majorly bad cravings and walking around town where it's legal to smoke everywhere in the streets = cave. None today though so I might try again. Might. Regardless im not smoking past new years and that's a promise to everyone and I don't break promises.Is it bad that I feel like im letting you down when I fail? lmao.

FOOD TODAY:

Last but not least my horrible intake. Im training myself for chicken so...

1 yoghurt -150

bbq chicken mi goreng noodles - 420

Holy jebus.. I won't gain off that but that's a bloody lot. Don't worry the rest of the day will be vegetables to help flush the gunk out of my system. Well vegetables and a banana smoothie :) It's going to be one frozen banana (120), small amount of milk (180), yoghurt (150) but it will be good and filling and im going on the treadmill for some major calorie burning later.

*insert inventive blog title here*

Today was a bit of half and half.

Food:

1 banana -120

20 broad beans -320

4 mannabear vitamins 35.4

1 strawberry

20 broad beans -320

lollies -about 800 atleast

EDIT: It was atleast 1600. The lollies may have been a major over-exageration though. I was in a shitty mood. Probably only like 1300 in total.

Back down

Well smallasapanda I believe you spoke too soon because I binged till I couldn't move yesterday. Sky rocketed to 48.9kg's and am now back down to 48.2kg's. I am changing the way I eat completely. I  can only eat healthy foods and no eating after 6pm. Plus I have to burn a minimum of 200 calories a day.

I started off today with a banana and im hoping that will last me till I get home from shopping.

Im not going to have a calorie limit im just going to spend the days till sunday eating healthy foods and see what happens with my weight.

When I get home from shopping my plan is to steam a large handfull of broad beans which will be atleast 200 calories of high protein low fat goodness (5 broad beans are 80cal so you can guess) to keep me going while I go on the treadmill and then steam other veggies I can find for dinner and have strawberrys or something else we are growing in the garden for a snack.

Im aiming to stay away from processed foods as much as possible.

I will answer the comments later when I get a charger for my laptop >.> Mine and my mothers broke.

Good day there?

@smallasapanda - im answering your comment first because it made me laugh. Alot. Mainly the saggy thing xD And my grandparents own a big farm there so I will be there doing farmy things and exercising alot, yay!

Ballarat is the closest place I can think of from the farm and that's still a fair drive lol.

@anna - Im not sure if I answered your comment already but good luck on your goal.

@ toomi - wow I didn't know there was such a thing. What does the container look like? Im interested xD

Okay so just activated my new phone. Finally. It's been sitting in its box for 6 months. Actually probably more like nine months but you get the point. There's a to do crossed off the list.

I also haven't had a smoke today. My last smoke was yesterday and I am officially quiting. Mann im craving a smoke so bad. Like so bad.

Okay now onto the main part of my life... food. That's so sad to say bu true.

Today I have had:

Breakfast: Flame grilled BBQ chicken cupasoup -122

Lunch: 1 egg - 78

Will have for dinner:

1 egg - 78

5 broad beans -80

Total: 358 cal

I might have already said this but im staying under 400 calories a day. I don't deserve to eat more yet alone prep myself for a binge by eating more.

Im going to see waht it would cost to move out. I need to move out for uni in about 4 years. I know it's a long time away but it gives me something to do.

Stay strong and well if you can :)

back finally

I am back from the camping trip. I tried a few things I haven't eaten before and I actually like them. Duck eggs for instance. I had one for breakfast this morning before the hour and a half hike up (which involved having to climb over trees, crawl under trees, hop rocks etc... it buggered me) I am going to google the calories.

We also had alcohol, alot of alcohol which... has calories. Stupid me forgot alcohol has calories in it and now im... in the 47 kilograms range. Blehh. Tomorrow I can make up for it.

We tried fishing with gummy worms, blowing up bottles on the fire, madly hunting down mozzies and of course swimming in rapids. It was the best few days I have ever had.

Tomorrow im going to have:

1 egg for breakfast (78)

1 egg for lunch (78)

1 egg for dinner (78)

1/4 cup brown rice (67.75)

Total: 301.75

Plus walking up and down the goat track 3 times which will burn about 200 calories (im under-etimating) so my net total will be 101.75 calories.

I shall do the goat track daily and will have my calorie intake under 400 a day from now on because... I lost control... I don't deserve more food than that.

Oh and a good note... my girlfriend gave me my six month anniversary present early. It's gorgeous. It's a bracelet (white gold) with a detailed flowery heart that is made to look like a locket. I normally don't like that stuff but it is amazing. And she re-affirmed that she want's to stay with me till we get old. I got butterflys for the second or third time in my life.

I will post again tomorrow :)

Now off to read your blogs.

And holy shit I was going through my last post to see if I missed anything and I realised I actually lost weight since then...

Im still shitty. I should be in the 46's. Still going with what I said and sticking to it.

Smallasapanda - My friend has a 36 hectare backyard which is hills and rivers and bush so we went to the campground there. Took five bloody hours to get there because her brother got us lost >.> Good exercise though. And your comment is so true. We are planning to camp again. Probably Februaryish though because im going to victoria in January. 

SORRY! I even used caps >.>

Im going out to the middle of woop woop to camp with friends and my girlfriend. This is going to fail epicly but what can you do? So for the next 3-4 days I wont be posting.

Plus im almost 48kg now because me being an absolute dick got high again last night to get over my cone-over. Killer munchies much.

When I come back I will have lost weight... if not then theres a strict exercise regime coming into play.

:)

Don't think im stupid :P

Okay so answering small as a panda's question.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for only four months now. I know that sounds like im jumping ahead but she is the only person who understands what is going through my head and the only person who has ever told me she loves me and meant it. We have talked about names of kids if we had them, what our marriage would be like, she even made a joke proposal that I know she wished was real (when she learned that gay marriage was reckognised in Tasmania). The only thing I said to her when she joked around was that we were too young. In about 8 months we will both be 18 which is definately not too young. I go by the motto of not wasting a day, especially since I have a very weak heart. So yes, hopefully all goes well :)

I apologise for rambling on.

Cooking fail... again xD

First off I want to say thanks to Toomi for commenting :) Im reading your blog now and will follow it when I go back to my dashboard.

Okay now to the cooking fail. I didn't cook the first egg long enough so I decided to just throw the whole thing into the water. Err no Cassy you have done that before and it fails. So yeah I have all the little bits of egg I managed to scavenge in my bowl.

Then I thought what if I put a full egg in the water (cracking it open and dropping it in). Hello boiling water on forearms and a half cooked egg.

Then my next genious idea was to put the mess in the microwave. Needless to say the eggs blew up and now my bowl has bits of egg in it but they look worse than before. They are edible atleast.

I cleaned the microwave and here I am trying to choke down disgusting eggs. When I cook the last egg for tonight I will boil it properly >.>

Also I need to add

-78 cal -6.3g protein -5.3g fat -0.6g carbs -0g Fibre to my total which is now...

Cal: 366 Protein: 28.75g Fat: 17g Carbs: 13.1g Fibre: 10.8g

Still under 400 which is good. I realised I can't go under 200 calories yet. Need to get to a lower weight...

Holy Shit it's the 1st of December

Time really escapes you when you don't sleep at night and sleep during the day. I can't sleep at night it sucks. I either stay up untill the sun comes up then sleep or pass out from exhaustion. Then oversleep...

Great cycle I have going on.

Today my intake so far is:

iceblock -40

I plan on eating only veggies when I get hungry so

broccoli -50

broad beans -16 cal each.

Shame broad beans are so high calorie. They actually taste good cooked.

Lunch I am having:

1 egg -78 (I researched it and its actually 78 for a large egg)

For dinner I will have

Broccoli -52 (I researched this aswell and its another 2 calories higher than I thought O.o)

5 broad beans -80

1 egg -78

Totals: Cal: 288 Protein: 22.45g Fat: 11.7g Carbs: 12.5g Fibre: 10.8g

Tomorrow I might just mung out on broad beans. High protein and fibre, low fat but also high carbs but it's hard to do the whole low carb thing if you don't eat meat since meat has virtually no carbs >.>

I need to start eating 20g dietry fibre a day again. My errr organs arent working as per usual lets just say.

Plus I have been looking at my skin and it is terribly dry. It's horrible.

HURRY UP MULTI-VITAMINS!!!

And last note: If you have a blog and have followed mine can you comment if I haven't joined it? It's hard to sift through everyone to find new followers with blogs. :)

And 16 followers which is amazing :)

Im also not eating junk because pot may be involved in the future and alchohol may be aswell. Hello munchies and soft drink xD I need to keep the junk away till the binging >.>

Which i won't care about untill I put on weight because I will be off my face...

Not ED related

I realised I hold onto labels and use them furiously against myself so I don't slip away from my small grip on reality. I have been told  that I have a problem distinguishing reality from imagination and that would make alot of sense. Alot of sense.

Just a thought I wanted to write down before I forget. I figured out the root of my eating disorder a few days ago but didn't write it down so I forgot. Now im left wondering.

Minor Freak out...

So I weighed at 3am this morning and was a whopping 47.1kgs. I very nearly cried. How that happened I have no idea. So I went to sleep and stayed in bed till 1:20pm. I am 46.8kg's now. Thank god... I might just chill in bed more often.

But, today I have to find a diet plan I can follow daily, it doesn't have to change because I will be exercising. I have to re-clean my room because I caused an avalanche of perfectly stacked books yesterday :( .

I have to exercise off my guilt for gaining. And fear...

I have to cut my hair because it's getting long.

I have to write a list of the presents I need to get people.

There's a decent amount to do. If I can get away with not eating dinner then I will do that too. Im supposed to be 46kg by today according to my goals... Ergh.. Fail. It's alright, in the next five days I will lose two kilograms instead of one. Looks like im going to the treadmill for some serious exercise.

@Anna -Yes I absolutely hate people touching or going into my room. They think I have something wrong with me when I tell them they have to ask to go in or see it but it just freaks me out for many reasons and makes me paranoid for the next week. My room is the only place I feel safe in the world.

Hmm I wonder if I can burn 700-800 cals today. Then I will have a 2000cal deficit. :) I wish it was higher so that it was easier to lose weight xD

@ EndlessAutumn -I posted my idea in the general discussions forum but no one did it. O.o But you just look at threads like how to I purge or stupid things like that and they are usual threads with prank exercises inside. :) I could start putting exercises at the bottom of my posts if you want? XD

Dinner and comment reply :)

So im eating dinner ten minutes early. I was meant to eat it at 5 but I started at 4:50pm cause it cooked quicker than I thought. It's good.

Today went amazingly! No cravings for other foods and the only hunger I got was very small. I don't like hunger but I don't like eating so much more.Yet I need to eat to live >.>

I haven't figured out my plan for tomorrow. Since we ran out of eggs... Time to google protein and organise my foods page a bit. Into categories I think.

There's still treadmill to go after my cup of tea XD

I should have some calcium tomorrow.

I wonder when the multi-vitamins will get here...

Plus im running out of tobacco so I wont be smoking much longer. I can't afford it and I really really want to break the addiction. Hello fitness?

@anna - aww that really sucks, special edition glasses and cups are the best! Oh wow I tend to re-wash them with detergent or after I dry them and dont think they are clean then I wash them again. My mother isn't very happy with the amount of laundry detergent we go through xD And I got my BMR off tis program I downloaded called weight by date pro trial. A site for your BMR is http://www.mydr.com.au/tools/basal-energy-calculator you put your details in in metric but it tells you the calories. This one says its 1319 cal for me. Either way im not eating anywhere near that much so im fine xD

Exercise

Thanks to PT I have done a grand total of:

160 jumping jacks (16)

Jogging on the spot for 4 minutes (32)

20 pushups (2)

10 crunches (1)

Cal total: 51

Without PT I wouldn't have done these and would have been a major lazy ass. I love the suprise exercise threads :)

If I get another one I will update the list lol. With aproximates for calories burnt.

Still gotta do treadmill later tonight. Aiming for a grand total of 300 calories burnt a day.

Well this is going well.

I ate the egg, by itself, for breakfast. It is now 1:48 and I forgot to have lunch. Which is a change. Im going to boil the rice now. I mean wow... I usually can't stop thinking about when I can eat next. It's a good change.

By tomorrow we will have run out of eggs though. Need to research more sources of protein.

Quick day plan post

Breakfast: 1 egg (80) boiled

Lunch: 1/2 cup brown rice with sweet chilli sauce (155.5)

Snack: 2 rice cakes (47) with promite (3)

Dinner: 6 stalk broccoli (100) 1 egg boiled (80) Green tea (3)

Total: 468.5 Cal

Thats the plan for today along with walking, sleeping, showering and smoking. I will update later on how it goes.

Will also reply to comments after I have slept so my brain is actually working. :)

Ideas

Im stumped. I can't think of what im going to have for dinner tonight.

An egg -80

3 stalk broccoli -50(my food page is wrong, a stalk of broccoli is like 12 cal each)

2 stalk asparagus -8

Total: 138

or

soup -50

1 slice wholemeal bread -153.5

Total: 203.5

or

1/2 cup brown rice -135.5

sweet chilli sauce -20?

Total -155.5

Im considering going with the rice and sauce. Actually no the soup and bread... will be a treat.

 

Im going to have a little bit of porridge now aswell so I don't get too hungry and forget what im supposed to be eating. That would be horrible considering im back down to the lowest this month. Sadly 46.6kg is the lowest I have reached this month. This time last year I was almost 40kg. Blehh

EDIT: I am having the soup and bread (203.5) plus porridge now (200) so today is under 500 cal. I can't go over 500 cal ever.

Going down

So it's down to 46.6kg. Not as little as I would like but I haven't eaten yet and don't plan to eat very much. Im also planning on cleaning... alot. It's actually good exercise. So I calculated it and 385 calories from two hours cleaning plus making my bed and taking out the trash. Awesome.

Plus it says my basal metabolic rate is 1207 calories. Blehh.

Not much to comment on today, I will try post later if I have eaten anything. If not then I shall post tomorrow. :)

And thank you anna, a square glass sounds amazing actually. Did you get another one?

I hate breaking glass's

Ever since I was a kid I have had this fear of dropping or tipping glass's incase they smash. I just smashed one on my floor, full of juice I was very muchly looking foreward too. I want to cry. I need to grow up...

It was a coca-cola glass that my mother loved so im going to buy her a really awesome new glass and give it to her for christmas and fill it with all her favorite lollies along with an apology note. I feel really really bad.

And really really devistated about the juice.

I am going to weigh myself once I finish drying my floor. Weighing myself is so over-due. i have been scared. I know I have put on weight.

Okay so im 46.8kg (102.9lbs). Amazingly. There is a silver lining. Im not 47kg. Thank god... By Monday I will be under 100 lbs.

Im going to find my "plan" book and write down what im getting mum and the rest of the chrissie presents I have to get.

I hope you are all doing great. I would love to hear more from you guys :)

And welcome to my 8th follower!

:)

I took the longer walk home today. I needed the exercise and I burnt extra calories. I also got a small bottle of yoosh green tea drink (725kj) and yoosh lychee flavour aloe vera drink (1080kj) plus jelly cups with are 20 cal each. Now if I need a low cal sugar hit hello jelly cups. If you want to know to calories of the drinks google a calculator. I might put a page of links up if I can be bothered.

I went well today so I shall post again before my last day of college tomorrow and tell you my weight. Fingers crossed its lower. If not im going to need to get off my fat lazy ass and exercise.

I also have an anorexic male friend (he doesn't know im anorexic cause im sneaky) and he has lost ten kilo's in a very small amount of time. Hypocritical but im worried about him, he was doing so well in recovery. He keeps saying he has been eating well and not exercising but you don't loose that much weight without doing SOMETHING.

Okay end of post. Hope you are all well. Feel free to comment and tell me how your days have been I shall try to remember to reply to them in my next post if you do :)

EDIT: I just had an idea of making a food porn page. Gor those who dont know what that is it is pretty much a page full of pictures of amazingly good looking food that I can't eat lmao.

EDIT 2: Plus on a sad note I wont be up here for me and my girlfriends 6 month anniversary. I will be in victoria :( It's not good. I shall make her a cake for the 7 month anniversary instead. Im also thinking of proposing to her the month after she turns 18. Maybe. You might think im rushing it but I have never been in a relationship like the one I have with her before. I know she want's to get married and I know she wants me and her to somehow have kids. Gah stop rambling Cassy you love sick puppy!

46.6kg

Somehow I lost weight. Only 100g since I last weighed myself. Too slow but getting there I guess...

Im not up for eating today. Im going to bring a water bottle or two and just chill out till I can go to town and get my sisters christmas present. Booky wook 2. I hope thats the right spelling, knowing me it isnt. I know what it looks like and where to get it so im fine.

Now my planning for the day... I wrote this day down in my two week plan soo...

Intake

 Breakfast: Porridge (50) with milk (151.5) and brown sugar (100)

Lunch: Water

Dinner: soup (50)

Drink: tea (3)

Total: 354.5

 (A hell of alot in other words... blehh)

Outtake

Walk around town and college (50) Im under-estimating.

Will update later (after college) when my brain is working better and my fingers actually let me type properly. This post took way too long for its size.

5 followers

I wasn't going to post because im in a really depressed mood but then I saw the five followers. If someone wants to read my blog them im going to make a post for them.

I ate a huge bowl of nutri-grain this morning in an attempt to ... i don't know what I was trying to do... but it was stupid... whatever it was.

I weighed myself after eating it and it was 47.2kg . The bowl was huge so im still in the 46kgs easy.

I had so many smokes last night it wasn't funny.

Realised my dog phobia is going away slowly.

Not much else to comment on...

Big thank you to Kessia for your comments. They brighten my mood regardless :)

And a welcome to the followers I have said welcome too xD

Im a bit rude at the moment, apologies.

Hope you are all having amazing days.

Well... that went well?

I spent the entire walk sweating like a pig. Turns out it was 8 kilometres of steep uphills and downhills.

When I got back there was a table of fruit so I had a banana because you are supposed to eat protein after you exercise otherwise your body uses your muscles for energy. It was HUGE, it was a collosal banana. I had to eat it all (thanks mum) and it was extremely painful to fit it into my stomach. Poor stomach.

When I got home I stayed up for maybe half an hour, which involved being made to drink a very high calorie drink and eat a jam doughnut. I freaked, I was all like oh no im going to be 47kg tomorrow. Guess what? Im not. Applaud. Im still in the 46kg range but only just. Im 46.9kg. I now need to wait till 7am to weigh myself again because I probably would have lose more.

Okay, back to the topic. I passed out for ten hours. Woke up about twenty minutes ago. When I woke up I was sweating. Guess who left their heater on? Yepp, this smart one. Then I looked at my phone and my gf was freaking out because she thought I had gone and done something stupid (bad past history of doing stupid things).

I hope that made sense? My mind isn't working very well.

Tomorrow I will be getting back on track. Im too big. I need to be 40kg. My low weight but it should be my healthy weight it really should.

Another thank you to everyone else that followed me! Im following your blogs if you have one. If I missed you somehow just leave me a comment and I will be following before you know it. :)

Stay well and strong.

x

Only 48 minutes to go

48 minutes till I can weigh myself.

Im so tired from no sleep but I deserve it.

It's cloudy today aswell. I bet you it will rain on my charity walk today.

Watching supersize vs superskinny was a great time waster though. Look it up on youtube it is amazing.

Im looking foreward to that porridge so much right now.

Just a quick update. Will be another few before I leave for the walk most likely.

:)

And a huge thank you to Kessia for following my blog.

Oh my god

Because I am an idiot I forgot to tell you that my total calories should be 450.

400 for the porridge and 50 for the soup I am having for dinner.

Actually add another 10 for the coffee. Who know's how much of that I am going to drink tomorrow.

So 460 calories in total tomorrow.

I will burn off about 100 calories (under-estimate) so its a total of 360 net calories for the day.

God that's alot... I have to lose weight quicker so I earn the priveledge to restrict more.

According to my thoughts I don't deserve it yet.

1:13am. Are we seeing a pattern?

My weight is still in the 46kg range, even after eating all that food. It was way too much. I had to otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk today. Before I didn't want to walk but now I want to burn more calories.

I am having a 400 calorie bowl of porridge tomorrow before I walk. I raised my limit to 500 calories a day so I can limit it more as my weight gets lower.

Im thinking at 44kg I will go down to 450 calories a day.

42kg will be 400 calories a day.

40kg will be 350 calories a day.

38kg will be 300 calories a day.

36kg will be 250 calories a day.

Of course these are the maximums I can have so this doesn't mean I will hit them.

Okay a revision on my plan for tomorrow.

7am - wake up (get up since im not going to sleep) Weigh self

8am - eat porridge and have shower and style hair

9am - have black coffee and update blog

10am - find something to occupy myself for next hour

10:45am - leave for charity walk

2pm - get home (im assuming, could be later)

waste time from now onwards

7pm - have bowl of soup

8pm - weigh self and get everything ready for school

Go to bed

Actually I think I will try sleep after this so I don't get extra cravings due to sleep deprivation.

I also updated my goals page and am working on a recipe page. Still. Im loving the fact that my mother lets me get my own food now. I can eat low calorie soup for dinner all I want or just not eat dinner at all.

Hope you are all doing better than my fat ass at the moment.

This is killing me

I know im posting alot today but it's my blog so I can post as often as I like.

The porridge helped but now im feeling really really bad again.

More food it seems. So im scrambling two eggs. Thats about 230 calories with the sauce and butter and stuff.

Every bite is going to kill me but I don't want to be put into hospital for collapsing because then they will figure me out too soon.

I can't wait till the multi-vitamins get here. Less sickness and having to force myself to eat.

Gross 2

Scrap that. I hiccup'd again and couldn't stop the stomach acid coming up.

After that I stopped myself from passing out and went down stairs. I had a tiny bit of porridge and so far that has made me feel better.

My moods are all over the place.

I posted a topic on PT about this.

I wish I could eat normally.

I really do.

But I know as soon as I start I will hate myself even more than I do now.

Gross

I just hiccuped up vomit. I feel so weak I can hardly move my arms yet alone walk. I had 158 calories in the form of milk this morning (1am) and just now a glass of juice which is another 100 calories.

Im going to force myself to have some oats. Only a small amount but I don't want to get into the purging cycle. Throwing up just once makes me want to throw up absolutely everything. Even if I don't have food in my stomach I feel like throwing up stomach acid to lose weight. It's horrible.

Today will be a higher day. Today is a higher day already. Damn... I need more strength. There are probably alot of other people going through the same thing as me yet they don't turn to food.

Im sorry.

46.7kg

Im still 46.7kg. I have to check multiple times. Surely the scale is lying to me? Regardless if it is true or not that number is still fat. I was terrified the milk i let myself have would make me gain weight because it curdles in your stomach.

Im going to get a glass of water then play some form of a game. I feel drained and the gf is too busy to talk to me. I hate feeling drained even when you get over 8 hours sleep. Blehh.

My toes went purple this morning from walking to the bathroom. It wasn't even cold!

Im going to update my stats incase people dont want to read the beggining posts.

5'3 (161cm)

Highest Weight: 50kg (19.5 BMI) (Was 160cm)

Lowest Weight: 40kg (15.6 BMI) (Was 160cm)

Current Weight: 46.7kg (18 BMI) (At 161cm)

My BMI is 18????!?!?! Thats horrible... im going to cry... shit.

Oh well, I will be lower tomorrow!

Get into the 17's.

Hope you are all doing better than my fat ass.

1:09AM

My scale reads 46.7kg! That's 0.5kg since yesterday because I ate "little".

Today im ruining that early. Im sipping a glass of milk like it's a delicacy. I seriously forgot what milk tastes like. It's the coles full cream milk which is 158 calories a glass. I poured half a glass so im going to say it is 100 calories.

I changed today to a liquids only day. Im going to drink whatever I like to see what happens. No doubt I wont drink that much but still. Freedom... sort of.

I sent my gf a text saying I was fat because the scale said 48kg. It made her sad. I tried to apologise and she just told me im beautiful. We have a strange relationship. She definately hates my not eating though. Definately.

Oh and check out the food and drinks page. I added alot of new stuff to it. Im going to add a recipes page soon, recipes I am going to learn! Hopefully... I can't cook to save my life...

And yes they will all be low cal... As low cal as sights let them be anyway. Damn food having too many calories and making me fat.

Okay, im going to try get some sleep now.

Ni-night!

Success... in food atleast

Okay so

In

2 eggwhites (28)

Cayenne Pepper (2)

Tomato Sauce (26)

Soup - 50 Cal

Out

Stairs for a total of 5 mins (was half assed so im going to say 8)

Total

98

I don't worry about exercise. When I get back down to 40kg im not going to have the energy for it anyway. Today was good. Im thinking of cutting down the calories on my plan because a few of them are from last week and I was eating way to high then (like 500 - 800 Calories a day)

I accidently let it slip that I hadn't eaten today to my gf when she came around to say hi. Hence why I ate the egg whites with cayenne pepper and tomato sauce.

I just weighed myself and it said 48.3kg. Umm.. it's my jacket? Im bloated? How the hell is that possible after having an intake of 98 calories?

We will see the verdict tomorrow morning.

Im such a fat ass.

47.2kg (103.8lbs) STILL

Yes... read the title. I am still the 47kg monstrosity.

I just commented on a blog saying im not going to eat anything today but I decided against it.

When I go to the kitchen im allowed in total:

4 eggwhites (each with cayenne pepper)

Two cups of green tea.

Thats 66 calories.

If im still the same tomorrow... shits going to fly.

My stomach is also getting toned finally. I need to do more crunches though.

Im still a giant fat ass but I can ONLY eat this. Im cool with that xD

Im still tired after sleeping ten hours though. Maybe I should go back to sleep.

Stay well and strong if you need encouragement.

x

Bloody Doctors !!!

Didn't transfer my medical records to this state. I just realised that they haven't asked to weigh me or anything. I thought I was being sneaky and had gotten away with being underweight.

It explains why I had to get re-diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Blehh.

I don't know why im complaining... Maybe I will get hospitalised this time and actually have people take care of me. Alot of attention... I need that. I get lonely which is sad to admit. It drove me to attempting suicide.

Also I found a site with pictures of people who want to be models along with heights and weights. I picked out eleven of the smaller ones and created an average of their BMI's. It's 15.4 which is only half a kilo lower than what I was at my lowest weight. So im aiming for 39.5kg too see what I look like. I shall take a photo and compare it to one of my other ones hidden away somewhere o.O

Im sick and twisted and I like it. Alot.

P.S Notice the mood changes throughout this?

shit...

Good on you... 1000 calories in total you fat pig. God... im glad I didn't put on weight from it. Spent a fair bit of time moving and walking so hopefully I burnt a fair amount of it off and I don't gain. Blehh.

Still 47.2kg. That makes me want to get a knife and cut all my fat off and shave my head to lose a bit more weight. When I hit 45 I wont be happy but I wont feel as disgusted. Liar, you know you will, you felt this bad when you were 40kg.

This sucks, this perpetual cycle. Gloom and doom. Doom and gloom.

Tomorrow I have to do better. I can't give my body the chance to gain weight. I will have to be a social recluse. They are all trying to make me fatter. Can't they see that im already obese?

Call me a whiner I don't care. This is my body, I think it's disgusting. You dont have to see it or read this.

I apologise for the downer post.

The one next morning will be better.

After my exercises tonight I WILL lose weight.

P.S : Im sorry if I offended anyone, I love all the readers for taking time out of their day to read my thoughts :)